forgiveness

Nature of forgiveness

As of 2006, there is no consensus for a psychological definition of forgiveness in research literature. There is agreement that forgiveness is a process, and several models describing the process of forgiveness have been published, including one from a radical behavioral perspective.

Dr. Robert Enright from the University of Wisconsin–Madison founded the International Forgiveness Institute and initiated forgiveness studies. He developed a 20-Step Process Model of Forgiveness.

In that model, in order to forgive someone, the victim should examine the wrong they suffered, who caused it, and the context in which it happened; consider the anger they feel about it, any associated shame or guilt, and how it has affected them; decide whether they want to advance to an attitude of forgiveness, and, if so, work on understanding, compassion, and acceptance, and make a gesture of reconciliation to the offender; then, reformulate the way they remember the experience of being wronged and of developing forgiveness in order to healthily integrate this into their life story.

A longitudinal study showed that people who were generally more neurotic, angry, and hostile in life were less likely to forgive another person. They were more likely to avoid their transgressor and want to enact revenge two and a half years after the transgression.

Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentment. The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender, their cardiovascular and nervous system functioning improves. Another study found that the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. Less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.

Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University, author of Forgive for Good, presented evidence that forgiveness can be learned (i.e. is a teachable, practicable skill) and has powerful, positive health effects. In three separate studies, including one with Catholics and Protestants from Northern Ireland whose family members were murdered during The Troubles, he found that people who are taught how to forgive become less angry, feel less hurt, are more optimistic, become more forgiving in a variety of situations, and become more compassionate and self-confident. His studies show a reduction in experience of stress, in physical manifestations of stress, and an increase in vitality.

Ideas about what forgiveness is not

Forgiveness does not have to encompass condoning, forgetting, or excusing the transgressor's actions. Additionally, the victim does not have to minimize their feelings of having been wronged in order to forgive, nor do they have to reconcile with the transgressor. The focus of forgiveness is not to deny or suppress anger; rather, its focus is on dealing with resentment. In particular, it is healthy to acknowledge and express negative emotions before one forgives. Forgiveness is also distinct from accountability or justice; punishment and compensation are independent of the choice to forgive, and the victim can forgive or not forgive while still pursuing punishment and/or compensation.

While a victim may have granted decisional forgiveness (refraining from seeking revenge, possibly reconciling), they may not have emotionally forgiven the offender (replacing negative emotions towards them with positive ones) or expressed forgiveness to them. Additionally, expressing emotions may be distinct from genuinely experiencing the emotions (i.e. people can claim one emotional experience while actually feeling something else instead). Although it is heavily debated, emotional forgiveness is generally considered to be for the benefit of the victim and not the offender, unless the victim chooses to involve the offender by expressing forgiveness to them or reconciling. Forgiveness cannot be granted by an uninvolved party.

Timeliness

Psychologist Wanda Malcolm, in Women's Reflections on the Complexities of Forgiveness, outlines reasons why forgiveness takes time: working on self-care and/or personal healing may take priority (i.e. therapy, medical injuries, etc.); issues of safety may need to be addressed; and facilitating forgiveness immediately after an interpersonal offense may be premature. Malcolm explains, "premature efforts to facilitate forgiveness may be a sign of our reluctance to witness our client's pain and suffering and may unwittingly reinforce the client's belief that the pain and suffering is too much to bear and must be suppressed or avoided."

Worthington et al. observed that "anything done to promote forgiveness has little impact unless substantial time is spent at helping participants think through and emotionally experience their forgiveness".

In philosophical thought

The philosopher Joseph Butler (Fifteen Sermons) defined forgiveness as "overcoming of resentment, the overcoming of moral hatred, as a speech act, and as forbearance". In his 1962 lecture on "Freedom and Resentment"', philosopher P. F. Strawson described forgiveness as "a rather unfashionable subject in moral philosophy" at that time.

Religious views

Religion can affect how someone forgives. For example, one may work towards forgiveness through religious activity, religious affiliation and teachings, and imitation.

Abrahamic

In Judaism, if a person causes harm, but then sincerely and honestly apologizes to the wronged individual and tries to rectify the wrong, the wronged individual is encouraged, but not required, to grant forgiveness:

It is forbidden to be obdurate and not allow yourself to be appeased. On the contrary, one should be easily pacified and find it difficult to become angry. When asked by an offender for forgiveness, one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit ... forgiveness is natural to the seed of Israel.

In Judaism, one must go "to those he has harmed" to be entitled to forgiveness. One who sincerely apologizes three times for a wrong committed against another has fulfilled their obligation to seek forgiveness. This means that in Judaism a person cannot obtain forgiveness from God for wrongs they have done to other people. This also means that, unless the victim forgave the perpetrator before he died, murder is unforgivable in Judaism, and murderers will answer to God for it, though the victims' family and friends can forgive the murderer for their grief. The Tefila Zaka meditation, which is recited just before Yom Kippur, closes with the following:

I know that there is no one so righteous that they have not wronged another, financially or physically, through deed or speech. This pains my heart within me, because wrongs between humans and their fellow are not atoned by Yom Kippur, until the wronged one is appeased. Because of this, my heart breaks within me, and my bones tremble; for even the day of death does not atone for such sins. Therefore I prostrate and beg before You, to have mercy on me, and grant me grace, compassion, and mercy in Your eyes and in the eyes of all people. For behold, I forgive with a final and resolved forgiveness anyone who has wronged me, whether in person or property, even if they slandered me, or spread falsehoods against me. So I release anyone who has injured me either in person or in property, or has committed any manner of sin that one may commit against another [except for legally enforceable business obligations, and except for someone who has deliberately harmed me with the thought 'I can harm him because he will forgive me']. Except for these two, I fully and finally forgive everyone; may no one be punished because of me. And just as I forgive everyone, so may You grant me grace in the eyes of others, that they too forgive me absolutely.

Thus, the "reward" for forgiving others is not God's forgiveness for wrongs done to others, but rather help in obtaining forgiveness from the other person.

Dharmic

Buddhist scholar, Donna Lynn Brown, states that the kind of Buddhist forgiveness laid out in Buddhist scripture and the kind of Buddhist forgiveness taught in contemporary North America are different. Buddhist scriptures outline a relational forgiveness which involves forbearance and the forgiving of wrongdoers once they have sought atonement. In contemporary North America, Buddhist teachings now advocate for individual forgiveness, removed from the atonement, or lack of atonement, of the wrongdoer. This individualistic interpretation of Buddhist forgiveness is influenced by contemporary psychological practice, as well as a conflation of the terms 'forgiveness' and 'forbearance' when translating texts.

In contemporary Buddhism, forgiveness prevents harmful thoughts from disturbing one's mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind-karma. Buddhism encourages the cultivation of thoughts with more wholesome effects. "In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing mettā and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all." When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly release them by going back to their roots. Buddhism questions the reality of the passions that make forgiveness necessary as well as the reality of the objects of those passions. "If we haven't forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers."

Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of mettā (loving-kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkhā (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place. These reflections are used to understand the context of suffering in the world, both our own and the suffering of others.

"He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me"—in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease.

"He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me"—in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred will cease."

In Vedic literature and epics of Hinduism, forgiveness is named ksama or kshyama (Sanskrit: क्षमा) along with other compound words. The word ksama is often combined with kripa (tenderness), daya (kindness), and karuna (करुणा, compassion) in Sanskrit texts. In the Rigveda, forgiveness is discussed in verses dedicated to the deity Varuna, both in the context of the one who has done wrong and the one who is wronged. Forgiveness is considered one of the six cardinal virtues in Hinduism.

Other

Hoʻoponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness combined with prayer. Similar practices were performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Samoa, Tahiti, and New Zealand. Traditionally, Hoʻoponopono is practiced by healing priests or kahuna lapaʻau among family members of a person who is physically ill. Modern versions are performed within the family by a family elder or by the individual alone.

Popular recognition

The need to forgive is widely recognized, but people are often unsure how to accomplish it. For example, in a large representative sampling of American people on various religious topics in 1988, the Gallup Organization found that 94% said it was important to forgive, but 85% said they needed some outside help to be able to forgive. However, regular prayer was not found to be effective for this purpose. The Gallup poll revealed that the only effective mediator was engagement in "meditative prayer".

Forgiveness was a core mechanism of restorative justice programs after the abolition of apartheid in the truth and reconciliation process, among victims and perpetrators of Rwandan genocide, in response to the violence in the Israeli–Palestinian conflict, and the Northern Ireland conflict. This was documented in the film Beyond Right and Wrong: Stories of Justice and Forgiveness (2012).

Forgiveness is associated with the theory of emotion because it draws from a person's emotional connection to a situation. Most people are taught to understand and practice forgiveness at a young age.

In relationships

Forgiveness in marriage is important. When two people can forgive each other, this contributes to a happy marriage. Forgiveness can help prevent problems from worsening and aid in conflict resolution. Depending on the severity of the transgression, partners may engage in different communication behavior to seek or grant forgiveness.

In dating relationships (as opposed to marriages), couples are less likely to acknowledge transgressions in the relationship and more likely to forgive each other unconditionally, as well as being more understanding towards their partners. When married couples argue, they tend to focus on who is right and who is wrong.

Merolla distinguished two types of forgiveness: conditional/indirect forgiveness and direct forgiveness.

Direct forgiveness involves discussion of the incident. The forgiving person must be straightforward and clear in telling the offender that they forgive them.

Indirect forgiveness focuses on minimizing conflict. Forgivers do not explicitly tell the offender that they are forgiven, but it is meant to be tacitly understood. This could come from tactics such as humor, eye contact, hugging, or reverting to normal behavior. Therefore, indirect forgiveness is less appropriate following a severe incident and more appropriate for smaller transgressions like minor disagreements or fights.

There is also conditional forgiveness, in which the offender is forgiven with stipulations. The offender may make a deal to refrain from the behavior that might have led to the transgression, such as drinking alcohol.

In a 2005 study, researchers investigated whether forgiveness is important in a marriage, particularly if it accrues before or after an argument as well as its role in broken promises. Researchers found six components that were related to forgiveness in marriage: satisfaction, ambivalence, conflict, attributions, empathy, and commitment.

Sheldon et al. conducted a study in which they surveyed both married and dating couples on past relational transgressions, the communication strategies used to grant forgiveness, the degree of forgiveness within a specific relationship, and the ratings of relationship satisfaction. The severity of the transgression was measured by three different factors and rated on a scale of severity.

Enright's model of forgiveness

Enright's model of forgiveness describes forgiveness as a journey through four phases:

Uncovering phase

The person explores the pain that they have experienced.

Decision phase

The nature of forgiveness is discussed. The person commits to try to forgive the transgressor.

Work phase

The focus shifts to the transgressor to gain insight and understanding.

Deepening phase

The victim moves toward resolution, becoming aware that they are not alone, having received forgiveness form others, and finds meaning and purpose in the forgiveness process.

The researchers also came up with recommendations for practitioners to help married individuals communicate with each other, resolve problems, and forgive each other more easily. People should explore and understand what forgiveness means, as preconceived ideas of forgiveness can make couples reluctant to forgive. For example, a conflict may arise if a person does not forgive their spouse out of fear that the spouse might think that they are weak.

Interventions

Psychology researchers agree that the purpose of forgiveness interventions is to decrease the overall negative effect associated with the initial perceived wrongdoing. The incorporation of forgiveness into therapy has gained popularity. The growth of forgiveness in psychology has given rise to the study of forgiveness interventions.

A meta-analysis of group-based forgiveness interventions examined how well they increase self-reported forgiveness (or decrease "unforgiveness"). It concluded that "The data appears to speak clearly: Forgiveness interventions are effective."

Types

There are various forms of forgiveness interventions. One forces patients to confront the thoughts that prevent their forgiveness with introspective techniques and expressing themselves to a therapist. Another encourages the wronged person to see things from the offender's point of view and try to understand the offender's reasoning. This may allow patients to more easily forgive offenders.

Researchers have studied forgiveness interventions in relationships and whether or not prayer increases forgiveness. One study found that praying for a friend or thinking positive thoughts about that person every day for four weeks increases the chances of forgiving that friend or partner, which leads to a better relationship.

Contrary evidence

There is conflicting evidence on the effectiveness of forgiveness interventions. Some researchers have taken a critical approach to the forgiveness intervention approach to therapy.

Critics argue that forgiveness interventions may increase negative affect because they try to inhibit the person's feelings towards the offender. This can result in the person feeling negatively towards themselves. The approach implies that the negative emotions the person is feeling are unacceptable and feelings of forgiveness are correct and acceptable. This might inadvertently promote feelings of shame and contrition in the person wronged.

Psychologist Wanda Malcolm states "it is not a good idea to make forgiveness an a-priori goal of therapy". Steven Stosny asserts that victims must heal first and then forgive, and that fully acknowledging the grievance (both recognizing what actions were harmful and naming the emotions the victim felt as a response) is an essential first step before forgiveness can occur.

Some researchers worry that forgiveness interventions promote unhealthy relationships, and that individuals with toxic relationships will continue to forgive those who continuously wrong them, when in fact they should be distancing themselves from those people.

Several studies show high effectiveness rates of forgiveness interventions when done continuously over a long period. However, some researchers have found these interventions ineffective over short periods.

Children

Some studies looked at the effectiveness of forgiveness interventions on young children, including several cross-cultural studies. One looked at forgiveness interventions and Chinese children, who were less likely to forgive those who had wronged them, finding an effect of such interventions on the children.

Older adults

Older adults who receive forgiveness interventions report higher levels of forgiveness than those who did not receive treatment. Forgiveness treatments resulted in lower depression, stress, and anger than no-treatment conditions. Forgiveness interventions also enhanced positive psychological states, indicated by factors such as life satisfaction, subjective happiness, and psychological wellbeing. This was regardless of the specific intervention model or format (group or individual).

Mental health

Survey data from 2000 showed that 61% of participants who were part of a small religious group reported that the group helped them be more forgiving. People who reported that their religious groups promoted forgiveness also found more success in overcoming addiction, guilt, and discouragement.

Mindfulness may play a mediator role in the relationship between forgiveness and health outcomes. The beneficial health effects of forgiveness are contingent upon the presence and practice of mindfulness.

Self-forgiveness is an important part of self-acceptance and mental health. Lack of self-forgiveness can negatively affect mental health. Among the elderly, self-forgiveness often involves introspection about past wrongdoings, aiming to prevent their recurrence. When people successfully learn from transgressions, their mental health may improve.

Self-forgiveness can reduce feelings of guilt and shame associated with hypersexual behavior, as well as help individuals reduce negative hypersexual behavior.

Self-forgiveness may be associated with procrastination. Self-forgiveness allows a person to overcome the negative effects linked to earlier behavior and adopt proactive approaches toward similar tasks. Embracing self-forgiveness for procrastination can enhance self-esteem and mental well-being, potentially leading to a reduction in procrastination tendencies.

The self-help book Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health details the benefits and the mental, physical, and psychological results of forgiveness. Stress relief may be the chief factor that connects forgiveness and well-being. Levels of stress go down when levels of forgiveness rise, resulting in a decrease in mental health symptoms.

Forgiveness lifts the forgiver's burden of anger or hatred toward the transgressor, and may lead to better understanding of the transgressor. This improves the forgiver's health and outlook.

Physical health

There have been a number of studies attempting to find a correlation between forgiveness and physical health. Some studies show no correlation while others show a positive correlation.

Evidence supporting a correlation

People with forgiving personalities tend to experience better physical health. A study focusing on relationships revealed that the level of forgiveness exhibited by individuals had a discernible impact on their physical well-being, regardless of whether they were in positive or negative relationships.

People who decide to genuinely forgive someone also have better physical health. This is due to the relationship between forgiveness and stress reduction.

People who choose to forgive another have lower blood pressure and lower cortisol levels than those who do not. This is theorized to be due to forgiveness and suggests forgiveness is an evolutionarily-selected trait. Forgiveness may reduce hostility (which is inversely correlated with physical health), and lack of forgiveness may degrade the immune system because it puts stress on the individual. Forgiving people may have more social support and less stressful marriages, and forgiveness may be related to other personality traits that correlate with physical health.

Forgiveness may also correlate with physical health because hostility is associated with poor coronary performance. Unforgiveness is a kind of hostility, and forgiveness is letting go of hostility. Heart patients who are treated with a combination of medicine and therapy that includes forgiveness have improved cardiac health compared to those treated with medicine alone.

Forgiveness may also lead to an improvement in an individual's perception of their own physical health. This correlation applies to both self-forgiveness and other-forgiveness, but is especially true of self-forgiveness. Individuals who are more capable of forgiving themselves have better perceived physical health.

People who forgive can have healthier hearts, fewer depression symptoms, and less anxiety. Forgiveness can help mental health, especially with people who have mental disorders. Forgiveness can also improve the immune system.

Criticisms

Forgiveness studies have been refuted by critics who claim that there is no direct correlation between forgiveness and physical health. Forgiveness, due to the reduction of directed anger, contributes to mental health, and mental health contributes to physical health, but there is no evidence that forgiveness itself directly improves physical health. Most of the studies on forgiveness cannot isolate it as an independent variable in an individual's well-being, so it is difficult to prove causation.

Research into the correlation between physical health and forgiveness has been criticized for being too focused on unforgiveness. Research shows more what hostility and unforgiveness contribute to poor health than it shows what forgiveness contributes to good health. Unforgiving or holding grudges can contribute to adverse health outcomes by perpetuating anger and heightening sympathetic nervous system arousal and cardiovascular reactivity. Expression of anger has been strongly associated with chronically elevated blood pressure and with the aggregation of platelets, which may increase vulnerability to heart disease.

Self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness happens in response to situations in which someone has done something they perceive to be morally wrong and that they consider themselves to be responsible for. Self-forgiveness is the overcoming of negative emotions that the wrongdoer associates with the wrongful action, which can include guilt, regret, remorse, blame, shame, self-hatred and/or self-contempt.

Major and traumatic life events can cause individuals to experience guilt or self-hatred. People can reflect on their behavior to determine if their actions are moral. In traumatic situations, people may self-forgive by allowing themselves to change and live a moral life. Self-forgiveness may be required in situations where the individual hurt themselves or others. Self-forgiveness has a moderating effect between depression and suicidality. This suggests that self-forgiveness (up to a point) is protective against suicide, hinting at possible prevention strategies.

Therapeutic model

People can unintentionally cause harm or offense to one another. It is important that individuals recognize when this happens and self-forgive in the process of making amends. Self-forgiveness can benefit emotional and mental well-being. The ability to forgive oneself for past offenses can lessen negative emotions, such as shame and guilt, while increasing positive practices, such as self-kindness and self-compassion. However, the process of self-forgiveness may be misinterpreted and therefore not accurately completed. This could lead to increased feelings of regret or self-blame. To avoid this, and to increase the positive benefits associated with genuine self-forgiveness, a specific therapeutic model can be used to encourage genuine self-forgiveness. The proposed model has four key elements: responsibility, remorse, restoration, and renewal:

Responsibility is the first necessary step towards genuine self-forgiveness. To avoid the negative effect associated with emotions such as overwhelming guilt or regret, offenders must first recognize that they have hurt another person, and accept responsibility for their actions.

Once the person accepts responsibility, it is natural for them to experience remorse or guilt. However, these feelings can be processed and expressed.

Restoration allows the offending person to make the necessary amends to the person(s) they have hurt.

During renewal, the offending person genuinely forgives themself for their past transgressions and can engage in more positive and meaningful behaviors such as self-compassion and self-kindness.

Unapologetic forgiveness

In some contexts, forgiveness can help someone deal with an offender who refuses to apologize for or even recognize wrongdoings. According to Glen Pettigrove, "the relationship between apologies and the adjectives 'apologetic' and 'unapologetic' is not quite so straightforward." Choosing to forgive someone correlates with whether that person is truly sorry for their actions. Forgiving a person who does not seem remorseful for their actions can be difficult, but it may loosen the grip the person has over the victim. Intrusive thoughts can cause the forgiver to have feelings of low self-worth and to endure a traumatic phase due to the offender's actions. A person may benefit from letting go and accepting what has happened. Letting go does not erase the recognition of what the offender did, but forgiveness can lead to inner peace. Despite the lack of apology from the offender, forgiving them may solve problems and increase self-love for the victim.

Jean Hampton sees the decision to forgive the unrepentant wrongdoer as expressing a commitment "to see a wrongdoer in a new, more favorable light" as one who is not completely rotten or morally dead.